Yet Another Part of Life's Journey

Monday, May 15, 2017

Journey that led me to know who God created me to be

I am Cynthia. I am among many things, imperfect and human.

I won't say with certainty that I have arrived fully at the place where God intends for me to be, and neither do I know with 100% conviction that I am who God has created me to be. I have not arrived. All I know is that, I think I am going in the right direction, and with God's grace, I will arrive someday. While I was praying on how to share my story with you, the Spirit prompted me to use the 5W and 1H, so here we go.

So we begin - I am a problem child. I like to ask "why". It drives my partner nuts and people always ask me why I have so many questions. I supposed it's because growing up, I was foolish enough to think that if I knew more, I had better control over how things would turn out. I equated better control with full control, and perhaps if I dig deep enough into the "why", then I will know the "how" , which solves the problems of my life.

Adding to that, I am a "What" child. Just show me what to do in order to get somewhere and I will do it. I thrive on processes and procedures. It was a foolproof security blanket. This was a huge contention in my relationship with God as for a very long time in my journey, my prayers would always go "God, if you tell me what you want me to do, I will follow. Just show me. Sure I have faith, just show me how to live out that faith" Somehow those prayers never got answered in the way I was expecting. I didn't know then I had to take that step out before discovering I was walking on water.

I presume that many of us here today are probably similar to me. When things happen, we want to know why things happen, or what we should do next - just so we know that we can arrive somewhere. We are not comfortable fumbling around in the darkness.
But that's not what God is concerned with. He is concerned with the "who" - who we are and "how" we are in the "when". Moment by moment, God is not worried about where we are going. He knows we are worried but He wants to meet us in the "now". That is more important than doing.

I learnt many precious lessons related to these Ws & H especially in the last 5 years of my life. From having a very routine Singaporean life (i.e. corporate job with a steady income, partner of around 5 years that everyone in church thought we would be together forever) to literally having these both lost within days. I quit my job, planning to join my then-partner in exploring a business maybe, but she decided she wanted out. There was no "Why" given, which drove me literally to anger and tears every night and I didn't know what was happening. Just picture yourself every night crying yourself to sleep alone, with many questions in your brain and no answers and no possible action plan that you can create to make things better. That was me. There was a point when the thought of suicide came fleetingly by but I had no guts thankfully. I felt terribly alone at that point because all my friends couldn't understand me. It's like this dark hole that only I was in, while the world around me just kept functioning business as usual. I kept asking God "why" and "what" repeatedly again and again until I got so tired I couldn't go further.

See, I reckon God needed me to stop doing and just be there in the "when". In that moment when I just couldn't do anything, God met me there. There was just this love that is beyond words, that bathed me. It's as though my wounds were being cleaned, and with that love, came peace and overwhelming sorrow. This sorrow was different from my own grief. I could feel God weeping with me, crying at my pain. The scene from "Passion of Christ" where Christ was repeatedly flogged appeared in my head. It was then I had something given to me from God that no one can ever take away - I know I am a child of God, and we have a relationship that He feels what I feel.

So beyond this experience, God has revealed more and more of who I am to be in him through other difficult times. I am learning to be ok with imperfection, to live more in faith and to give up control. I am learning to take more risks in life, to recognise that I don't have to be the Martha all the time, and to be an adult while still being a child. This is who God created me to be.

yet another day of memories...
5/15/2017 08:51:00 PM

Tuesday, May 02, 2017

In a perfect and ideal world we would probably be perfect for each other. Our wants and desires in life all align with each other. I can envision us serving God together in the different ministry that we are called to, hand in hand, glorifying His name. But life is not perfect.. and sometimes like to play a fool with us.. unsure if we met each other that the wrong time and wrong place.. distance and circumstances have put us far from a perfect world.. and i just want to say remember that God loves you and i do too.. i am letting go and trusting He has great plans for us both

God,

Forgive me for wishing that things can be a different way. Forgive me for wanting more, and for wondering why this has to happen. I guess indeed we only see such a short time frame, that we don't see the why. All we can do is trust in you.

I appreciate the moments, I cherish the memories and I am thankful still for what we had.

And here's what I see.. us being witnesses to His love, being walking testimonies of what He does in us. I actually see us in a weird way, being in visible ministry together, nothing to hide and being out and proud of us as us. And of us sharing our story, that God truly brought us together.

yet another day of memories...
5/02/2017 12:16:00 AM

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Meaningful reminders in life

Life is a choice; happiness is a choice. No matter what your situation, don't let anything separate you from a sense of joy.

The meaning of life is to find your gifts and the purpose of your success lies in giving it away.

I pray I will never lose sight of these.

http://www.inc.com/lolly-daskal/12-important-career-lessons-most-people-learn-too-late-in-life.html?cid=nl029week10day09

yet another day of memories...
3/30/2017 08:15:00 AM

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Dear Yellow Pen

Looking through my emails and blogs,
I didn't realise how much you actually featured in my life until now.
You celebrated my birthday twice - when I was 21 and then 31
Met you in my uni years - you interviewed me for our CCA
*I remember thinking you look really cute*
Then you were there during one of my hardest heart-break
And here again for my most recent break-up

You shared so much of your thoughts then
And the lessons you learnt in life
For some strange reason, I actually opened up to you then
When I rarely could to others

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself then
Helping me heal
I really remember all the long emails exchanged
Which you probably might have forgotten.
I don't remember much the content in details
but I remember you sharing what you have learnt in life
To me, you have never changed the giving side of you
although by your admission, you have become less angry as a person
That was something I never got to see until last year.
It doesn't change my impression of you, except to know you better as a whole.

I truly was happy for you and Jem
And wished you both all the happiness this world could bring

Our lives interacted for a bit, then drifted
Apparently you were one of the first few people I came out to
We were not close in real life.
We probably kept in touch over email for a bit
and then didn't talk much until I was going to move here

Who would have thought that our lives would interact so much more in the recent years
Our friendship grew
I have learnt so much more about you
Always thought lucky is the one who has you
I am not blind to your flaws, but at the same time, I thought your strengths were worth celebrating much.
You are loyal to your partner, and so giving as a person.
Yes, you can be jealous and insecure.
Yet, I have seen you grow. Grow to know yourself better, and what you want and able to express that and not take bs.

I have seen you through a couple of relationships and break-ups
Seen you broken with Jem's death
And discovered even more about you.

I knew all along I had a soft spot for you,
but it was never an appropriate time to act upon it.
I guess it also didn't occur to me ever?
I just wanted the best for you.

This breakup for me was hard
Not only because I had to deal with the betrayal of trust and also hurt from my partner
but also I had to make a choice whether or not to square with you how I feel and thought about things
That made things hard
because I know my emotions and I know what can of worms I am potentially opening up.

Keeping a distance from you when I was attached made it easier to keep the soft spot at bay
After all, it was just something that existed but had no life
But with whatever happened in my life, and opening up to you
That made me feel so much more vulnerable to you.
I couldn't get away from that.
Opening up to you was so instinctive,
you made it safe, knowing what to say
and withholding all judgment
As usual, you shared your wisdom
Holding back when you feared influencing me

I am really appreciative of how you held space for me
Be there throughout this difficult time
I truly value this friendship
and all that we have been through.
You have seen me at my rawest
And I hope in a way I have journeyed with you too.

I don't really know at the end of the day
whether all these intertwining of our paths will lead to anything?
I like to think that they are all of God's plans
And that our paths might eventually merge
but by your admission, that will not happen

I struggled though,
with the reason that you gave
that out of loyalty because I am your friend's ex,
that's why it's impossible.
It almost feels as if it's a case of all bad timing
and I can't help but think "what if"

I don't regret being authentic with you
that we have managed to bring our friendship to a level of such openness and trust
i just feel sad
because hearing what you want,
there is so much of what I want to
that it makes me have hope
that maybe whatever we had gone through
it was to prepare us for the time
where we could possibly be the best we could for each other
yet i know this hope is irrational and
that unless God wills it and you allow it,
it will truly be unlikely that this hope can birth something beautiful.

I found this quote from you which you told me a long while back

"Certain moments must be captured. To hell with principles then"

I wonder if you were to see this now, what would your thoughts be?
Would you still stand by what you said, or with time your views have progressed?
I don't know if it's coincidence that our lives did intertwine to this level of vulnerability since the time we met
but I do wish perhaps the ending of this could possibly be re-written.

yet another day of memories...
3/26/2017 09:01:00 PM

Sitting and waiting

Today, I made the choice of sitting
and waiting

I am not really sure what God has in store for me ahead
I know He has me covered
And His plans for me in the long run are good, prosperous and rich ones.

It isn't easy to sit and wait
When all I have to go on with is faith.
I don't really have a plan,
I don't really know what will happen
except to see the days unfold one day at a time

It isn't easy to grow more and more vulnerable with someone
To go through being authentic and risking getting hurt
At times I wonder if it's worthwhile being me
But today I got reminded,
"God created me this way to use me this way, and not any other way"

I believe that God has created me to be open and authentic
To bring light to difficult conversations where people find it difficult
So that issues that are hidden away can be normalised
and brought out of darkness to light
Then He can work on us.

For His glory.

If given a choice, I wouldn't have asked for this.
It's an uncomfortable place to be in
With my brokenness, I would have pushed my way in
Demanded to know what the other was thinking
Why we are doing the things we did
If there was truly nothing
And then forced an outcome

But today, I choose to wait

I value the space we have
The honesty we can share
The moments and memories of vulnerability
I don't understand how we can truly have all these and still not be emotionally connected

Yet, I remember your stance
Which while hard to accept, I respect.
I wish differently of course. And I pray for a chance to give things a go

But nonetheless, not my will be done, but God's be done.

Faithfulness where God has placed me.
Setting the compass of my heart
To be that of not imposing my will
But letting God's will unfold
My life is not my own

yet another day of memories...
3/26/2017 05:43:00 PM

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Yet not what I will, but what You will. — Mark 14:36

I trust that in all these things, Your will is good. I can trust You even when I don’t understand. I cannot fully trust You while still holding on to things that made me question You. I have to let those things go.

You so clearly promise when I am blinded by the dark realities, You will guide me. You will guide me to the spiritual help I need. But You will also guide me to the emotional and physical help I need. Help me see Your provisions and be humble enough to receive them. You will make the rough places smooth. You will do these things and will never forsake me.

You have said, “I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them” (Isaiah 42:16).

You say Your Word is sharper than a double-edged sword. So I cut these ties from my soul with the precise edge of Your truth.

I was abandoned. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future.

I was rejected. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future.

I was hurt. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future.

I was left out. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future.

I was brokenhearted. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future.

Heartbreaking seasons can certainly grow me but were never meant to define me. I let go of the hurt and embrace the growth the minute I’m able to say, “Yet not what I will, but what You will.”

yet another day of memories...
3/22/2017 11:23:00 AM

Saturday, February 04, 2017

Lamentations

God, are you with me on this?
If you are, then why does it all hurt so much?

How much more of this burden do I have to bear
And how many lessons are there left before the promised land?

Even my closest has betrayed me
Making me feel like my decisions are wrong
That I don't really know what I am knowing
That Lord, truly how do I trust myself
That the decisions I make are sound
That what I see and think are relevant

I feel so deep
Feel so utterly raw
Oh Lord,
Have you abandoned me?

How could you bear to let your child go through so much pain?

yet another day of memories...
2/04/2017 10:52:00 AM

Thursday, January 26, 2017

The best expression of love is time

The importance of things can be measured
by how much time we are willing to invest in them.
The more time you give to something,
the more you reveal its importance and value to you.

If you want to know a person's priorities,
just look at how they use their time.

Time is your most precious gift
because you only have a set amount of it.
You can make more money,
but you can't make more time.

When you give someone your time,
you are giving them a portion of your life
that you'll never get back.
Your time is your life.
That is why the greatest gift you can give someone
is your time.

It is not enough just to say
relationships are important;
we must prove it by investing time in them.
Words alone are wortheless.
Relationships take time and effort,
and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E.

The essence of love is not
what we think or do or provide for others,
but how much we give of ourselves. The most desired gift of love is not diamonds or roses or chocolate. It is focused attention. Love concentrates so intently on another that you forget yourself at that moment. Attention says,"I value you enough to give you my most precious asset - my time." Whenever you give your time, you are making a sacrifice, and sacrifice is the essence of love. Love means giving up - yielding my preferences, comfort, goals, security, money or time for the benefit of someone else.

and so, I will give my time.

yet another day of memories...
1/26/2017 10:38:00 PM

With each day that passes,
my heart dies a little.

With each word that is left unspoken,
the relationship dies a little.

It's not that I don't see you trying
but when what you do, is not really what I need
then how does the equation add up?

Deep down, I don't even know how I feel
I guess honestly a little sad at how things have turned out
but if I had to be brutally honest
we are very different people
and as tacky as it may sound
maybe we will be better off without each other

It is tiring to be in a relationship
especially one where we no longer know whether we will work for the other
It's easy to say we will
but I have lost faith
Once and again, I have asked you
but in typical you-fashion
you avoid giving me an answer

should i wait this time and let it die little by little until there is nothing left,
or should i in typical me-fashion deal with it and move on?

yet another day of memories...
1/26/2017 10:37:00 PM

An Instrument of Peace
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant me that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

(Attributed to St Francis of Assisi )