yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
I won't say with certainty that I have arrived fully at the place where God intends for me to be, and neither do I know with 100% conviction that I am who God has created me to be. I have not arrived. All I know is that, I think I am going in the right direction, and with God's grace, I will arrive someday. While I was praying on how to share my story with you, the Spirit prompted me to use the 5W and 1H, so here we go.
So we begin - I am a problem child. I like to ask "why". It drives my partner nuts and people always ask me why I have so many questions. I supposed it's because growing up, I was foolish enough to think that if I knew more, I had better control over how things would turn out. I equated better control with full control, and perhaps if I dig deep enough into the "why", then I will know the "how" , which solves the problems of my life.
Adding to that, I am a "What" child. Just show me what to do in order to get somewhere and I will do it. I thrive on processes and procedures. It was a foolproof security blanket. This was a huge contention in my relationship with God as for a very long time in my journey, my prayers would always go "God, if you tell me what you want me to do, I will follow. Just show me. Sure I have faith, just show me how to live out that faith" Somehow those prayers never got answered in the way I was expecting. I didn't know then I had to take that step out before discovering I was walking on water.
I presume that many of us here today are probably similar to me. When things happen, we want to know why things happen, or what we should do next - just so we know that we can arrive somewhere. We are not comfortable fumbling around in the darkness.
But that's not what God is concerned with. He is concerned with the "who" - who we are and "how" we are in the "when". Moment by moment, God is not worried about where we are going. He knows we are worried but He wants to meet us in the "now". That is more important than doing.
I learnt many precious lessons related to these Ws & H especially in the last 5 years of my life. From having a very routine Singaporean life (i.e. corporate job with a steady income, partner of around 5 years that everyone in church thought we would be together forever) to literally having these both lost within days. I quit my job, planning to join my then-partner in exploring a business maybe, but she decided she wanted out. There was no "Why" given, which drove me literally to anger and tears every night and I didn't know what was happening. Just picture yourself every night crying yourself to sleep alone, with many questions in your brain and no answers and no possible action plan that you can create to make things better. That was me. There was a point when the thought of suicide came fleetingly by but I had no guts thankfully. I felt terribly alone at that point because all my friends couldn't understand me. It's like this dark hole that only I was in, while the world around me just kept functioning business as usual. I kept asking God "why" and "what" repeatedly again and again until I got so tired I couldn't go further.
See, I reckon God needed me to stop doing and just be there in the "when". In that moment when I just couldn't do anything, God met me there. There was just this love that is beyond words, that bathed me. It's as though my wounds were being cleaned, and with that love, came peace and overwhelming sorrow. This sorrow was different from my own grief. I could feel God weeping with me, crying at my pain. The scene from "Passion of Christ" where Christ was repeatedly flogged appeared in my head. It was then I had something given to me from God that no one can ever take away - I know I am a child of God, and we have a relationship that He feels what I feel.
So beyond this experience, God has revealed more and more of who I am to be in him through other difficult times. I am learning to be ok with imperfection, to live more in faith and to give up control. I am learning to take more risks in life, to recognise that I don't have to be the Martha all the time, and to be an adult while still being a child. This is who God created me to be.
5/15/2017 08:51:00 PM
In a perfect and ideal world we would probably be perfect for each other. Our wants and desires in life all align with each other. I can envision us serving God together in the different ministry that we are called to, hand in hand, glorifying His name. But life is not perfect.. and sometimes like to play a fool with us.. unsure if we met each other that the wrong time and wrong place.. distance and circumstances have put us far from a perfect world.. and i just want to say remember that God loves you and i do too.. i am letting go and trusting He has great plans for us both
God,
Forgive me for wishing that things can be a different way. Forgive me for wanting more, and for wondering why this has to happen. I guess indeed we only see such a short time frame, that we don't see the why. All we can do is trust in you.
I appreciate the moments, I cherish the memories and I am thankful still for what we had.
And here's what I see.. us being witnesses to His love, being walking testimonies of what He does in us. I actually see us in a weird way, being in visible ministry together, nothing to hide and being out and proud of us as us. And of us sharing our story, that God truly brought us together.
5/02/2017 12:16:00 AM
Dreams
To be out and open
Independence
To be totally Christ-like
I believe that:
Courage is not an absence of fear
but the willingness to face up to the circumstances in spite of the fear.
Desires
A Pair of Pretty Sandals!
CPA! Achieved!
Investment Guru
dislikes
creepy crawly "things"
Unnecessary politics
Goals
get driving license
start my own business
to create my own hedge fund
older memories
my past journey