yet another day of memories...
I didn't realise how much you actually featured in my life until now.
You celebrated my birthday twice - when I was 21 and then 31
Met you in my uni years - you interviewed me for our CCA
*I remember thinking you look really cute*
Then you were there during one of my hardest heart-break
And here again for my most recent break-up
You shared so much of your thoughts then
And the lessons you learnt in life
For some strange reason, I actually opened up to you then
When I rarely could to others
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself then
Helping me heal
I really remember all the long emails exchanged
Which you probably might have forgotten.
I don't remember much the content in details
but I remember you sharing what you have learnt in life
To me, you have never changed the giving side of you
although by your admission, you have become less angry as a person
That was something I never got to see until last year.
It doesn't change my impression of you, except to know you better as a whole.
I truly was happy for you and Jem
And wished you both all the happiness this world could bring
Our lives interacted for a bit, then drifted
Apparently you were one of the first few people I came out to
We were not close in real life.
We probably kept in touch over email for a bit
and then didn't talk much until I was going to move here
Who would have thought that our lives would interact so much more in the recent years
Our friendship grew
I have learnt so much more about you
Always thought lucky is the one who has you
I am not blind to your flaws, but at the same time, I thought your strengths were worth celebrating much.
You are loyal to your partner, and so giving as a person.
Yes, you can be jealous and insecure.
Yet, I have seen you grow. Grow to know yourself better, and what you want and able to express that and not take bs.
I have seen you through a couple of relationships and break-ups
Seen you broken with Jem's death
And discovered even more about you.
I knew all along I had a soft spot for you,
but it was never an appropriate time to act upon it.
I guess it also didn't occur to me ever?
I just wanted the best for you.
This breakup for me was hard
Not only because I had to deal with the betrayal of trust and also hurt from my partner
but also I had to make a choice whether or not to square with you how I feel and thought about things
That made things hard
because I know my emotions and I know what can of worms I am potentially opening up.
Keeping a distance from you when I was attached made it easier to keep the soft spot at bay
After all, it was just something that existed but had no life
But with whatever happened in my life, and opening up to you
That made me feel so much more vulnerable to you.
I couldn't get away from that.
Opening up to you was so instinctive,
you made it safe, knowing what to say
and withholding all judgment
As usual, you shared your wisdom
Holding back when you feared influencing me
I am really appreciative of how you held space for me
Be there throughout this difficult time
I truly value this friendship
and all that we have been through.
You have seen me at my rawest
And I hope in a way I have journeyed with you too.
I don't really know at the end of the day
whether all these intertwining of our paths will lead to anything?
I like to think that they are all of God's plans
And that our paths might eventually merge
but by your admission, that will not happen
I struggled though,
with the reason that you gave
that out of loyalty because I am your friend's ex,
that's why it's impossible.
It almost feels as if it's a case of all bad timing
and I can't help but think "what if"
I don't regret being authentic with you
that we have managed to bring our friendship to a level of such openness and trust
i just feel sad
because hearing what you want,
there is so much of what I want to
that it makes me have hope
that maybe whatever we had gone through
it was to prepare us for the time
where we could possibly be the best we could for each other
yet i know this hope is irrational and
that unless God wills it and you allow it,
it will truly be unlikely that this hope can birth something beautiful.
I found this quote from you which you told me a long while back
"Certain moments must be captured. To hell with principles then"
I wonder if you were to see this now, what would your thoughts be?
Would you still stand by what you said, or with time your views have progressed?
I don't know if it's coincidence that our lives did intertwine to this level of vulnerability since the time we met
but I do wish perhaps the ending of this could possibly be re-written.
3/26/2017 09:01:00 PM
Dreams
To be out and open
Independence
To be totally Christ-like
I believe that:
Courage is not an absence of fear
but the willingness to face up to the circumstances in spite of the fear.
Desires
A Pair of Pretty Sandals!
CPA! Achieved!
Investment Guru
dislikes
creepy crawly "things"
Unnecessary politics
Goals
get driving license
start my own business
to create my own hedge fund
older memories
my past journey