Friday, February 01, 2013
Money
Need a private place just to shed some tears
Didn't expect things to affect me so much more
I can see now that alot of what I do in my whole life so far has been driven by money
And that experience of dad being in a huge amount of debt affected me more than I thought it did
Yes, I didn't get to go on my exchange
Had some regrets on that
But beyond that,
I made the meaning of the event to be that
I must never be caught in a situation that I am not prepared for and that
I need to do more to provide for my family so that they will not be in want
As a result, I always want control
And I am very uncomfortable with uncertainty.
I am happy when I can provide for my family and
I get upset when their spending habits remind me that I cannot fully 100% provide for them
God has been great to me
He gave me access to tools to help me discover this
And in so doing, get clarity on why I do what I do
I know in part now that I wanted to do this debt management program back then
As a result of the debt situation I experienced at home
But now I am ever more sure that this is what I want to do for the future
I choose to do it
Not so because then I can change my past
I can't change it.
But with this I can contribute to others
So that people's futures will never just be a factor of the past.
For myself, I see that I will never ever be 100% prepared for all situations
And that it's alright to be unprepared.
That's what makes surprises wonderful
I anticipate being surprised now =)
No more what-ifs of bad things happening..
if they do, they do
And I will deal with them as they come
No need to be prepared for everything,
Just ride it out
And while it's good to provide for my family
I cannot force them to change their spending habits to what I can give
I give what I can give
And I don't have to feel guilty about that not being enough for them.
That doesn't make me a bad daughter.
What I give is still a symbol of my love
And is worthy
I literally feel like I am emptied to be filled again. Can't wait to see what happens next.
yet another day of memories...
2/01/2013 10:14:00 PM