yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
I say it's "successful" because
-->once again, I learnt another way of how God works
from the first draft to the final draft
AND then to the delivery of the sharing
It's really about learning how to lean on God
-->I got to bond with others and be thankful for their care & encouragement
i.e. I was not alone =)
p/s: Thanks to all who encouraged me through prayer, sms etc..
especially my only fwen who remembered though I din say anything
--> People were blessed.. what else could I ask for?
-A wonderful date:
Been having a lil roughy patch with Juls
because we were just too busy
With our own things
A date was exactly what we needed for the romance feel
And to catch up with each other
Of cos it helped that I had my favourite sashimi
Salmon!! and a new fish..swordfish~
-An excellent mid-term review:
Although I honestly feel that my performance could be better in the long run
I really did not think much could be faulted
given the learning involved
(and mistakes are always part of learning)
Still, it's great hearing that from my boss!
And to know that he appreciates my initiative
& is affirmative about my performance =)
He even encouraged me to go and study CPA..
So thank God! and that leads me to the next
-Confirmation of contract renewal
Was assured of a renewal verbally by supervisor
But told him honestly it's scary when HR did not say anything
& nothing was signed
So he feedback for me..
And HR has gotten back saying that top mgmt has agreed
& my contract is renewed as per normal~
Now pending signature only.. so all should be fine
Thank God for job security!
-Qualification for CPA associate status
Sent in my transcript for an informal assessment
And I qualify.. so I get to proceed with application =)
Now got to decide when I want to start..
Which should be soon..
Since CPF is suspending all loan repayments
& I can now use that money to study first instead
-Great guy-friends in church
Had a date with 3 of them
Got to know more about them..
And were encouraged by their sharing
It was a fabulous time!
Wonderful memories..
And I ll never look at the bridge
the same again.. =)
And thank God too..
For the many times this week
That things weren't that great
Because of these times..
I learnt to appreciate the better times more..
3/15/2009 03:51:00 AM
Monday, March 09, 2009
[Bible reading: Proverbs 3:5-6]
Today will be the first time that I will be sharing my testimony in front of a large audience.
I am Cynthia, and FCC has been my home for exactly the past 3 years.
It took God showing me a very clear sign
(Jael asking me “so how” in a pub)
to convince me that this is what I should do.
I pray that my sharing will bless each of you individually, in one way or another.
When I first came to FCC, I was attending LUSH,
a reconciliation group for women dealing with homosexuality & the Christian faith.
There were not many women then; probably countable with my fingers.
And seeing how many women we have today, I truly thank God for how we have grown. From time to time, some of the men will joke about how threatened they are,
but I know that they too are happy at how the women in church have progressed.
We as a church have grown together, not only in numbers,
but also in the bonds that we have forged and strengthened.
So what made me stay? I am thankful for the family I have here,
and more importantly, it’s here that I came to have a closer relationship with God. It’s not that I did not have one prior to coming here,
but rather how things evolved after coming to terms here with my sexuality
and theological beliefs that I would say my relationship with God becomes more fulfilling.
It’s here that I formed a simple model of what I believe is my relationship with God.
My relationship with God is a trinity, not the Holy Trinity,
but between God me & others.
I believe that having a personal relationship goes beyond just God & me.
It requires interaction with the other, the other being
other believers and non-believers who epitomize what it means to be Christ-like
in this dog eat dog world. Let me explain.
Between me and God, there is love, respect, reliance and never ceasing amazement (Amazement at how God moves, by God’s grace-
how Jesus could selflessly die for all that we have done).
As we progress like any couple, I learnt how to read Her signals
(though still not completely),
and sometimes as the reading goes,
to trust completely & acknowledge His leading.
How do I know that the direction I am being steered in is right?
Faith would be my response.
Not merely blind faith believing that what I am doing is right,
but faith that no matter what happens,
our Lord will eventually steer me in the right way.
Often in life we are hit with uncertainty.
Is it right for me to continue in this job;
Will it be right of me to walk away?
And many times, we are not likely to get a clear sign from God prompting us to decide one way over the other.
We can’t simply sit around and wait for God to show us a sign,
or many times as we humans want, one sign after another.
Rain can only come that often if you keep asking God to make that the sign.
On the other hand, trusting in God does not mean doing what we like,
believing that God will pick up the pieces.
For me, it means to make the best out of life,
deciding to the best of my God-empowered ability to do what I feel is most appropriate.
Often, there is one’s own understanding involved
but more often than not, it’s beyond rationalization
and taking a step into the unknown.
When I became a backup vocalist, I was worried that my pronunciation
& lack of knowledge about keys would cause me to go off-pitch
& distract others from their worship.
Yet at the end of the day, I went ahead, not comprehending why I did so,
only feeling a peace agreeing to it which eluded me when I was hesitating.
God gives us this free-will to decide, but is always present to support us.
This awareness is not immediate, but takes time and constant practice.
Gradually it becomes easier to commit things to the Lord,
and while things may not work out now,
we can take comfort that the intolerable emotions are not forever
and things will improve. It would then perhaps be a question of when?
As humans we want things fast and right, but is that possible?
Julia once asked me what if after marriage;
I find out that she is not the right one for me.
My response to her was: In relationships, there is really no perfect right one. Even if the other feels wrong, it depends on whether things can be put right
before throwing in the towel.
You can choose to try and make her the right one or immediately strike her off the list to carry on a never-ending search of that perfect somebody.
And all along, I always thought that when the bible said God will direct our paths, it literally meant to direct us to choose a right path before we embark on one.
But as I was preparing this sharing, another new understanding came.
The way I see relationships could possibly be another way to see life and the paths that I take.
Even with prayers & reliance on God’s guidance, there is no 100% correct path in life.
Occasionally we take the “wrong” path, and at the slightest trip-up, we question where God is.
Perhaps another way we can look at it is that God is still there in the position of director, making our wrong paths fit into the larger scheme of our life.
And that to me, is yet another form of Jesus’s grace, allowing free-will yet always there to steer us in times of need.
Often, we hear how people move from relationship to relationship, job to job, church to church, trying to find the right one and having it evade them.
One then gets tired in the process, and wonders where God is in the midst of it all.
If that’s you today, perhaps we can look at it from another angle.
Instead of drifting along trying to find the right one, exercise your free-will and choose one.
Make that your decision.
God is waiting for you and from that decision that you made,
God can direct you from there on.
When I backslided from my previous church, I had an on-off relationship with God.
I tried praying time to time, finding bible verses here and there to justify my sexuality with my faith, trying to find a relationship with someone who was always right for me.
In the end, it was a moment that I had with God which got me to settle down here.
I remembered learning about God’s liberating grace, and at that moment,
I felt God saying to me, I am waiting for you. Why are you hesitating?”
I decided there and then to commit again to Christ and since then,
I have seen God create domino effects from there.
So what happens in the short run when we don’t feel the strong connection with God? Here’s where I believe that having a personal relationship with God encompasses interaction with the other.
It is essential because humans are not made to function alone.
Remember “Misery loves company”
Last year was a very difficult year for me.
In the midst of juggling my last semester of university,
my mom was diagnosed to have a tumor in her brain.
Throughout the time from her diagnosis to her critical moments and then to recuperation, my faith was sorely tested and
there were plenty of moments that I did not know
where God was in the midst of all that.
Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear.
— Mother Teresa to the Rev. Michael Van Der Peet, September 1979
I have taken the liberty of quoting from Mother Teresa’s biography as I think she described how I felt most appropriately.
I doubted God, I felt alone.
In another of her sharing, she wrote the following:
The Onset
Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me?
The Child of your Love — and now become as the most hated one — the one —
You have thrown away as unwanted — unloved. I call, I cling, I want —
and there is no One to answer — no One on Whom I can cling — no, No One. — Alone ... Where is my Faith — even deep down right in there is nothing,
but emptiness & darkness — My God — how painful is this unknown pain —
I have no Faith — I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart —
& make me suffer untold agony.
So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them —
because of the blasphemy — If there be God — please forgive me —
When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven — there is such convicting emptiness
that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. —
I am told God loves me — and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness
is so great that nothing touches my soul.
Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart?
— addressed to Jesus, at the suggestion of a confessor, undated
It really made me wonder then what God was trying to do in my life.
Till today, I have no answers.
But in reflecting on how I pulled through those times,
I came to realize that while I cannot answer why God allowed those things to happen or even whether it is God making those things happen,
it was God’s creation that helped me through.
And perhaps that was a lesson in its own, that God’s relationship with me is not mine alone to sustain.
Just as people influence our lives, our relationships with others
can help us along in making our bond with Christ a stronger one.
Both my cell groups Plush & Younique supported me immensely in the difficult times,
both spiritually & in many other ways.
In them, I finally understood the idea of God’s love.
They were always praying for my mother, both at cell and on their own.
Not only that, but they made time to connect with me.
To them, I only have the following quotes:
Unselfish and noble actions are the most radiant pages in the biography of souls. - David Thomas
"When we do the best that we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another."
- Helen Keller
I would remember one Monday night when I was feeling low,
having to miss cell and stay at home with Mom, whom just threw a tantrum.
Nathan called and put the guys on speakerphone simply to ask how I was coping.
They might not know this, but I was this close to crying that night.
That call made me feel that I did not have to carry my burdens all by myself.
I had family in Christ who loved and still love me.
Another time, I needed someone and Malcolm spoke to me.
I did not know until we were hanging up, that he was actually out night cycling,
and that he was listening to me and talking as he pedaled.
It was difficult for him to juggle, but
he placed my needs before his discomfort and in that, I felt his love.
In Malcolm, I see God’s love acted out.
The list goes on with Plush often visiting my family at the hospital,
Shayli driving me frequently to and fro,
Jael bringing cheesecake to cheer me up,
Rachel offering to get me dinner etc.
In all these acts, I see their going out of the way to show God’s love.
And one thing that really surprised me was when
Plush gave me a substantial amount to help with the hospital bills.
In Singapore, it is said, one can die but one can’t fall ill.
Hospital bills are huge even if you stay in subsidized wards
and though there is insurance, there are follow-up which have to be paid in cash.
It did not help that my father had a lot of credit problems and funds were tight.
The money which several of the Plush girls pledged and took a few months to save, came in handy when my mother’s paid leave was all used up
and we needed cash for her MRI scan and medication.
To me, what they did was again expressing love through actions.
Jean Lee once shared this quote in her sermon on doubt & faith.
No man is an island.
"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume;
when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book,
but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...
As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only,
but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all:
but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....
No man is an island, entire of itself...
any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind;
and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."
Her advice then was to not isolate oneself from others in moments of doubt.
Similarly in crappy moments, I would say not to isolate yourself.
People may not understand fully, but you will be surprised how much sharing can help.
In others, we can see how God’s love can be expressed
and I believe that’s the most tangible way in which
we can see how God makes things right.
We cannot prevent trials & tribulations from happening in our lives.
It’s inevitable that we experience lows & doubtful moments.
Perhaps it’s only through such emotional situations that
we learn to appreciate life’s contentment in more intense flavors.
It’s also in times of darkness that we learn to rely less on ME & more on God.
However, we are not alone in life’s sorrows.
God created us to live not alone, but with others.
If we can learn to be vulnerable and allow others
to share our deep darkest moments,
then maybe we can truly enjoy what it means to have
“Joy shared is multiplied, shared grief is divided”.
With that I end my sharing with this:
I believe in the sun even if it isn't shining.
I believe in love even when I am alone.
I believe in God even when He is silent.
Unknown
3/09/2009 02:47:00 AM
Thursday, March 05, 2009
My testimony,
But I suppose that's not equals my life-long spiritual story.
It's been a good "exercise" for me
Getting to reflect in detail
And put down in writing
the entire thought process
Of what I have gone through
And came to.
Will it be good?
God willing, I pray it would be.
Just don't let my nightmare come true
Where I dreamt I forgot to read half of my sharing
And Susan asked the church to raise up their hands
If they knew not what I was talking about
And half of the church's hands were up.
*horrors of horror*
Good thing is dream was full of women attendees and no male
while is not reflective of reality
so hopefully that's a sign that it's just a dream!
Been encouraged by the number of people encouraging me
Offering to read my drafts
And Jaime giving me tips on sharing taboos
& also reminders to speaking SLOWLY.
So that has been a good outcome of this
I learnt that truly no (wo)man is an island
It certainly makes things easier to handle
I just pray that what I have learnt
Can be communicated clearly
So that others can be blessed
I know that as much as I like to talk
Communicating in a public speaking context is not my forte
As much as SMU has given me training in presentations
I do occasionally still fumble for words and be at a loss
GOd's strength & blessing,
Let this Sunday sharing be a smooth one
And a blessing one to others
3/05/2009 02:51:00 AM
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
someone asked me if I was okay
Pleasantly touched
Cuz someone still reads..
And someone cares =)
Actually make that two as it was a couple!
Been busy trying to juggle a couple of things
Not really sure how things started
But it seems like everything has been in a whirlwind
Started from New Year..
And kinda carried on from there
Eagerly waiting for a respite from everything
Sadly, think it's probably only going to come
in the form of the Good Friday's break
Til then, I had better just continue working
And praying for strength.
Better get going on my editing for this Sunday's sharing!
3/04/2009 02:49:00 AM
Dreams
To be out and open
Independence
To be totally Christ-like
I believe that:
Courage is not an absence of fear
but the willingness to face up to the circumstances in spite of the fear.
Desires
A Pair of Pretty Sandals!
CPA! Achieved!
Investment Guru
dislikes
creepy crawly "things"
Unnecessary politics
Goals
get driving license
start my own business
to create my own hedge fund
older memories
my past journey