yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
yet another day of memories...
Meant to send out some thank-you emails
For those who remembered & celebrated my birthday
Yes, I am 20
Got momentarily shocked when i saw the 2 tall candles
On the cake that my only friend baked =]
But oh well.. am adjusting fine to my new age
Anyway as I was saying,
Ya.. it was something I meant to do
And also to write my reflection letter
Sigh.. no time no time
Working over time from Tuesday til now
My sister even commented that she never see my face this few days =[
Ya.. feel like crying when she said that over the phone
I wish I have more time for my friends
And my loved ones
*Am still in the office now
5/27/2005 09:39:00 PM
ll post when i can..
5/25/2005 01:12:00 AM
Am very sick of this issue
But I guess that I can't just escape from it
To escape being used.
Part of growing up
Is to learn to face life's reality
That the people around us can't all be trusted totally
And that sometimes the things we say & do
Can be manipulated to others' thoughts & feelings
Perhaps we din mean this
But yet to others it did mean just that
And at times unwittingly, we hurt pple around us
Not knowing how to be tactful
Not bearing in mind others' feelings when sharing with them stuff
That said, we must also take note
not to mistake others' intentions
Or read into their actions/words more than we should
In doubt, we should clarify
Or have faith and assume the best of others
I am still trying to do this
To think the best of you and all
That you were just excited and wanted to keep me updated
That no malice was intended,
But it still hurt a little
I know the truth can be liberating for another you
But yet I have no idea how to tell you that
It will hurt for sure
And I have no words which can take it all away
Except I really cherish what we have
Its just that its not that.
Plenty words that form sentences
That express how I feel
It feels jumbled and in rambles
But its just meant to be that way
A code to be deciphered
5/23/2005 01:54:00 AM
Went to see the doctor
And got the very businesslike female one =[
She lectured me on my diet
And happily told me that if my cough persists
I have to get an X-ray; and a scope stuck down my nose
To see if I got TB or what-have-you-not
*Shudders
No matter what,
I ll never never have a scope in my nose
Its' gross to think about
And honestly not a good bday gift
Ignorance of everything is bliss =]
I walked 3 hours & 12 min today
Treetop Walk at Macritchie Reservoir
The view was fanastic
And I got my first 20th bdae song
On the treetop trail itself
*touched & surprised*
though I think the animals din appreciate the din we were making
It was a total of around 10 km today,
With yellow striped stairs; and never ending streams
And the pipe we had to cross
will post the pictures tml
For now, 'm going to prepare for my 10km walk tml
Anyone joining me at the New Paper Walk?
Single this year, but my friends are rallying around me
Thanks everyone for the support
It means alot!
5/22/2005 12:19:00 AM
Desire a little innovation
To break through this humdrum life
Anyone interested to participate in my next year bdae?
I got the cyn-21 challenge coming up.
Muahaha.. I think it would be fun
My best idea so far
Am feeling stronger these few days
The up-side of my roller coaster life
And as the usual cynical me would say
"Sooner or later, it will be the down-side again"
For now, I am enjoying life as it is
With friends who care and surround me
My only fwen, Mel & Jf,
Who, despite their lack of free time,
Am taking time out to spend with me
Friends are really an important part of one's life 'yea?
No matter what else there is,
they really make a difference.
Of cos not forgetting,
A bear someone sent to my office
To cheer me up
From my crying Monday
It really made my day.
Feels good to be pampered this way,
With someone showing that she cares
And all the others that touched my heart with their gestures
Initially thought I have to learn to survive alone
But I know I have friends to fall back on
Yes, they can't be there all the time
Nonetheless, they are the balm to wounds
Soothing the pain though unable to heal them totally
*Contemplative
5/19/2005 01:36:00 AM
I try hard to stifle in the groans and grumbles
When one attempts to "share" their political tale
Am feeling so helpless at times
When it gets oh-a-little-personal
Getting hard to stay in control
And to leave my calm face on without showing
What my true feelings are
Was feeling low today
Owe it to work and personal matters
Saw a verse today that captured how I felt
Here goesBecause of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved(Matthew 24:12-13)
I weep
My heart sinks
How true this verse is; How aware I am of it
Yet I have no idea how to stand firm
Thats right
I am withdrawing;
No longer going to wait for u
From all my past hurts,
I only figured something
That if you truly liked me,
I wouldn't have to wait
While you make a choice among 4
Its also commonly saidIf you let something go, and it comes back, then you know that its meant to be yours
Oh well, if you truly felt for me
Then you ll realise what is the ultimate choice for you
Even if I had left
*I am not bailing out; just bowing out
5/17/2005 12:08:00 AM
Am just fighting to stay sane
And not to be lost within
That alone is tiring me immensely
Just talked to you
I know your views.
Despite stuff you said,
Insecurities still set in
I dunno what to feel le
Am struggling to fight the fear
The fear of history repeating itself
Her suggesting I wait
And the end result of the wait.
So insecure now, yet dealing with it myself
Learning to be independent
Can't even really share with you
This fear I face within
Have a nagging low feeling
That this will end up nowhere
But similar to the previous
that it will come to naught
I pray it doesn't
*Laramie shed*
5/14/2005 03:32:00 AM
Words thats hard to say
But that I am aware of
Everyone is entitled to their own feelings
And there is no need to worry
I will think about it
Dwell on it for a while
And I ll stress u no more
I understand your stand.
*Paying penance for my past
5/13/2005 01:41:00 AM
I say scheming politics in peace time is even scarier.
Sure, office politics are present everywhere
But now its kinda getting out of hand.
People are planning their moves
And playing their strategies out in the open.
I have no wish to be dragged in
But unwittingly by working there,
I am in the game
Sure I can think for myself
I have my views on each issue
But its always hard
To draw the line between the issue & the person concerned.
Just because I disapprove of the way you handle this
Doesn't simply mean I am against the person you are
Sadly, people just dun seem to see this distinction
Am going to read Sun Tze's Art of War,
Not to play the games of office politics
But to know how to protect myself
Forewarned is forearmed
Though realise that in love matters
This theory doesnt work.
I cant forewarn myself
Cos I cant pre-empt ppl's moves
But never mind..
I still got 5 months of CY to go.
Patience shall do the true one some good
If she comes along..
Shall take a sleep for now
5/12/2005 12:27:00 AM
Throat freaking itchy
And i keep coughing
Annoying the people around me
And myself included
I am at my wits end
Sick of seeing the doc
And getting medicine
Which doesnt cut the root =[
Talked to her today
Am very fine
Positively glad and
Definitely on the right track
Dunno how long I ll take
Sometimes feel towards someone
That she is sufficient for me
To brave the plunge
But well.. what has happened
Has made me hesitant
Phobia of history repeating itself
Dun wanna spend my nights crying
Fighting uncertainty and doubt
Oh well.. someone tell me what I should do
Wanted to write my thoughts about politics
And the encounters in the office today
But am tired..
Shall write that another day
5/10/2005 02:35:00 AM
Saw my academic record for this semester
Turns out I mis-interpreted some stuff
And was upset for nothing
=] I am placed on Dean's List
Was shocked to see that few words
So little yet meaning so much
Ended up dancing with Mom in her room
I was so thrilled;
Fighting back the tears that threatened to come out
Then as always.. there is a damper
I wish for a *her to call
To shriek to and just to share in the moment
But oh well..
no *her at the moment
But am dealing with it fine
No doubt tears are shed every now and then
Yet I guess I don't want to compromise;
Settle for "giving it a try"
Feeling & Certainty
A must in my next relationship
Final one I hope..
*desires to settle down
Emptiness for now
5/08/2005 01:35:00 AM
Ended up crying again
Boy do I hate unhappy endings.
From now on,
I am going to check every movie ending
Before I embark on watching it.
Only happy ones allowed;
No more sad horrible endings.
Life is already full of horrid stuff
Don't see the need to subject myself
To extra negative stuff.
*I appreciate you being around
But hey, you don't owe me anything
I know I sound like a spoilt brat here
But seriously pls, there is no need to be so nice
I don't want to end up having to be mean
And feeling that I owe you or misled you on.
Don't want to risk anyone getting hurt ya?
and pls, to someone else out there
Don't keep trying to push me to someone
Just because you think I should give her a chance
I know what I feel
And I know who it is I want
Ever heard of a chinese phrase?
"Mian qiang shi mei you xing fu de"
Loosely translated:
"Bliss cannot be forced"
Just feeling snappy now.
Will probably cool down later
But for now, I have my temper too.
Am really vexed about this.
5/07/2005 07:54:00 PM
Tell me why caffine is not effective for me
Craving for sleep the whole day
Just wanna lie in & zzz the next 48 hours away.
Met Mel today for her 21st
She's too nice
Always giving in to XXY
when there is actually no love involved
Its just the fear of XXY's threats
That make her just tolerate.
Was told today that I am too mean
*shrugs*
Being mean is just how I protect myself ya?
What you see may not be the real inner me always
But if I am mean,
I wish to impart some to Mel too.
No one deserve to be ill-treated the way she is
If she has half my hard-heartedness
She ll probably be happier off bah.
Hope I am sounding coherent.
Haven been feeling real sober the whole day
Dropped my mobile and work phone, * butter fingers*
And was utterly confused with the Cartel manager and her
"How about changing/adding this/that" =[
Ended up not being sure about what I ordered
And being lost when this butch delivered our drinks
Turns out I ordered extra =[
She was nice too.. bothered to explain to me patiently
What each item on the receipts entail
(Yupz.. 2 receipts cuz me was blur)
I couldn't help noticing her hand though
Full of short cuts scars..
*wonders why*
Nope.. am not butch-crazy
Just curious abt the scars..
Learning to be more observant
And I take this as an positive sign
Am letting go & thinking less about the past
5/07/2005 01:31:00 AM
Maybe its the emotional fatigue
Affecting my physical self
But I guess at one point of time
I ll learn to let go
And reconcile the past to the present
Be independent of the past then;
=] I can feel that day nearing
Its in my bones
Just don't ask me how
Maybe its the result of time
Maybe its the result of growing
Watever the reason is,
What matters is that it is coming
Feeling so tired from work
Just need to sleep in
Feeling so bad to neglect people;
Friends who need me
Try to message as fast as I can le
But it just doesn't seem enuff
No time to call them
& see how they are coping
Must try to do so this weekend
But sighz, I got to help out on Sunday
Not 100% willing to
Yet feel bad if I leave others in the lurch
I need time.. more time..
5/06/2005 02:12:00 AM
Hug it in a corner
And cry out shamelessly
Cry out all the tears
The hurt, the betrayal
People often say wonderful things
And how nice it is to believe them
But reality is such
That my trust in people is sometimes misplaced
It makes me scared
Just wanna curl up as an porcupine
Protect myself from everyone else
Will I ever learn to trust again?
Trust freely the way I used to.
Tempted to go for the Vienna Exchange
Should I just ignore all fears and just try?
Its enticing despite the costs.
But am afraid that it's just an easy way out
A way for me to hide from all my problems
*Temporarily
Thought I was letting go.
Mom going away for my birthday;
Just reminded me of her going away
How I loathe myself for crying
And not just letting go strongly.
I want to be strong
To not let a single teardrop be shed again
To not let the past be a barrier
Is it possible?
5/05/2005 03:00:00 PM
Someone made me this deal yesterday
That by 2013
If we were both single,
we will turn to each other
She is not a bad catch
I certainly don't mind the deal
But the meaning behind it
Leaves me pondering
Is it alright then
To have a partner then learn to love;
Or must love be a pre-requisite for any relationship?
Oh well.. shall think about this when I have more time
At least now I have some security ba.
But I guess.. its a non-answerer
Like this kind of question:
Which comes first? The chicken or the egg? =p
5/03/2005 02:12:00 AM
Penny was so shocked when she noticed
Her facial expression just made me grin even harder! =]
Its interesting how this bunch of girlfriends,
Close yearmateys I have,
Never asked why I put braces on
Just wordlessly accept;
Patiently tolerating all the nuisances of moi
I really appreciate having them around.
And I realised something from this
That humans frequently have to justify their actions
A: "Why....?"
B: "Because..."
I find it a chore
Especially when I realise that those who ask
Are those who are not close to me.
Does it matter how I answer? Do they really care?
Its really sad cuz I can't say the truth at times
That simply cus "I feel like it" or cuz "I am a les"
Bleags, so much for honesty.
Ah well, being a les does not allow for much honesty anyway
In my environment at least
5/02/2005 04:14:00 AM
Dreams
To be out and open
Independence
To be totally Christ-like
I believe that:
Courage is not an absence of fear
but the willingness to face up to the circumstances in spite of the fear.
Desires
A Pair of Pretty Sandals!
CPA! Achieved!
Investment Guru
dislikes
creepy crawly "things"
Unnecessary politics
Goals
get driving license
start my own business
to create my own hedge fund
older memories
my past journey